my being single is dangerous.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
