my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
