I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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