plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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