I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
