Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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