I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
