32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
