He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
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I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
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Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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