Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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