Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
