Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
