When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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