If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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