I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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