You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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