i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
