Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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