so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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