I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
