my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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