Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
