I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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