He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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