I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize