I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
