im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
