I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
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She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
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His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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