You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
