I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
