I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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