Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
