The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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