You're my little dorito
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
