Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
