Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
