I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
