Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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