Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
