Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
