My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?