You made me cry and you don't even care
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
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it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
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You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.