the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
