ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I AM VODKA MAN
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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