The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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