Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
