So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
