i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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