I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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