Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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