Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
