in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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