Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i need an iv and a liver transplant
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
