i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
