he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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