he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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