Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
wow bdsm is so cute
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
