She said her name was "party"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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