Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
The beer is more important than you right now.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?