my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.