You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.