Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
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So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
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i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom