I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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